Chef Support

There’s a certain kind of freedom associated with cooking for yourself. If it sucks, who’s gonna care? Thus far I’ve only made one thing that was completely inedible. Before all this, I'd never baked for myslef. My tiny forays into over the last few weeks have all been firsts. I love scones so I decided to start there. I also decided that using pre-made mixes seemed like a cop-out. What’s so hard? Flour, baking powder, sugar, salt, eggs, milk…wash, rinse, repeat. That’s it, right?

Well…yeah, that is pretty much it. I found a few basic recipes online then mixed and matched until I came up with one that sounded right. I’ve had to work out the ratios a little. The first time I made them I ended up with ten massive ass scones that went stale after a few days. I’m not baking for an army here. Then last week, I misread my notes for the baking powder, mistaking teaspoons for tablespoons. Know what baking powder takes like? I DO!!! Yeah, those went in the garbage pretty damn quick.

They should have tech support for this kind of thing, don’t you think? It’s all the rage for computers, why not cooking? You know, one of those eight hundred numbers with ads that come on late at night between “Tickle Tiffany” or “Luscious Lolita” commercials. Ninety-nine cents for the first minute, twenty dollars each additional minute plus a small connection fee, I’m telling you there’s gold in them hills. I’ll call it 1-800-EMERILSUCKS or maybe 1-800-CRAPPYCHEF. For example:

“Thank you for calling 1-800-ICANTCOOK. What can I help you with?”

“I just made scones. They look fine but they taste like something I smelled in chemistry class…what happened?”

“You put in two tablespoons of baking powder instead of two teaspoons. That disgusting taste should rinse out of your mouth in the next few months. Don’t be retarded next time. Have a great night!”

CLICK


Or maybe this one…

“Thank you for calling
1-800-THENAKEDCHEFCANTPOSSIBLYBESTRAIGHT.
May I be of some assistance?”

“How do I grill tuna?”

“Throw it on the damn grill and don’t burn it. Are you cooking or building thermo-nuclear weapons? Jesus…”

CLICK


See, in my warped little world this would be the first help line run entirely by former restaurant employees. “Assistance with a pissy attitude!” would be our motto. Employees would be rewarded for achieving high levels of sarcasm or for their ability to remain irritating under pressure. They'd be "former restaurant employees" because they could quit serving because I would pay them outrageous salaries and give them kick ass benefits. They'd have time to spend with their families or drink heavily or explore their psycholotropic substance of choice. Nobody works baked like a server.

That’s it, I’m giving up this writing schtick and starting my eight hundred number. It’s gonna be huge, you’ll see. I’ll be laughing at all of you from my house on the hill built entirely on my employees’ ability to annoy the hell out of my customers. Okay, admittedly this is ridiculous and pertinent to absolutely nothing. I promise I'll do something a little more worthwhile tomorrow. 'Til then!


“This ain’t no bright new morning. This ain’t no brand new day.” – Adam Duritz